What Is Your Relationship With Pain?
A few months ago, one of my closest friends convinced me to go roller skating.
“It’s David Bowie night. Wear something sparkly. It will be so much fun.”
I was on the fence, but I decided to go. I can skate — not like a pro, but I can hold my own. What I couldn’t account for was a beginner skater who decided mid-lap to try a trick, lost their balance, and slammed into me at full speed.
I went full Superman through the air. And in that suspended moment, I actually thought:
How do I land to cause the least damage?
My left knee had other ideas. Since then, I’ve been navigating pain that has ranged from mild to severe, and it has become one of my most honest teachers.
It has slowed me down.
It has asked me to pay attention.
And it has made me reflect deeply on something I talk about often:
Our relationship to pain.
Most of Us Have a Default Response to Pain
When pain shows up, most of us instinctively move into protection.
Fear.
Frustration.
Resistance.
Bracing.
Urgency.
That makes sense. Pain is designed to get our attention. It’s part of how the body protects us.
But what I’ve noticed personally, and in working with people navigating chronic pain and illness, is that these responses can become patterns.
We tense against the pain.
We become hyper-focused on it.
We try to fix it immediately.
We fight with our body.
And when that response keeps happening over and over, the nervous system begins reinforcing that pattern.
Pain Is More Than Physical
Pain is complex.
It involves the sensory, neurological, emotional, and physical systems all at once.
Our stress levels, sleep, inflammation, past experiences, fear, and attention all influence how we experience pain.
This is where neuroplasticity becomes important.
Neuroplasticity is simply the brain and body’s ability to learn and reinforce patterns.
The more we repeat a response, the more familiar that pathway becomes.
So if the body repeatedly experiences:
fear
tension
urgency
frustration
those responses can become deeply wired into the pain experience.
But the opposite is also true.
New responses can be practiced too.
Other Responses Are Possible
One of the biggest shifts we can begin making is changing the way we relate to pain when it arises.
Instead of fighting, we begin listening.
Instead of immediately resisting or pushing through, we pause and ask:
What is my body trying to communicate right now?
Instead of tension and tightening, we begin practicing softening.
Not perfectly.
Not instantly.
But gradually.
And instead of urgency and panic, we begin introducing a little more patience and safety into the experience.
These are learned skills.
They take practice because most of us were never taught to respond this way.
Awareness Comes First
The first step is not perfection.
The first step is awareness.
Simply beginning to notice:
How do I respond when pain appears?
Do I panic?
Do I brace?
Do I become frustrated?
Do I immediately go into fixing mode?
This isn’t about shame or blame.
It’s about noticing patterns that may be keeping the nervous system in a defensive loop.
Awareness creates the possibility for something different.
This Is Practice, Not Perfection
Changing your relationship with pain does not mean ignoring pain.
It doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay.
And it doesn’t mean you stop supporting your body physically.
This is not an either/or approach.
It’s another piece of the healing process.
The next time pain arises, maybe you simply pause.
Maybe you notice your response.
Maybe you slow your breath for a moment.
Maybe you soften just a little.
That’s enough to begin.
Because healing these patterns rarely happens all at once.
It happens slowly, through repetition, awareness, and practice.
And when frustration shows up again — because it will — you simply notice that too.
Then gently come back to the new possibility.
Explore This Further
In this week’s video, I talk more deeply about how our relationship to pain can shape the pain experience itself, and how we can begin changing those patterns over time.
If you’d like support in working with your nervous system, your stress responses, and your relationship with pain, you can also explore my Chronic Pain Mentoring.